Pleasure before, during, and after

There is a “proverb” quoted in a children’s movie that frequently resonates in my thoughts: “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift—that is why it is called 'present'.”

This insightful phrase—which seems to have multiple origins—is certainly not just for children. When we are children, we have very little history behind us and rarely reflect on the mysteries of the future. Instead, we focus primarily on the present—a present that is not yet a “gift” in the reflective sense, but rather a constant source of surprise. That surprise stems from two factors characterizing our early years: naivety and curiosity.

However, as we grow up, the loss of that naivety—brought about by life’s experiences—makes our perception of the world less surprising and more self-conscious. Consequently, we become more wary and cynical, learning to associate the surprises of the present with their potential consequences. It is then that we truly learn the true meaning of tomorrow’s “mystery”, as well as our tendency to desire it or fear it.

This awareness of time—of the “before” and the “after”—often poses significant psychological challenges for those learning to navigate human actions. Perhaps that is why the quote I mentioned has resonated with so many people and continues to appear in various cultural works today.

In the quest for balance, some allow themselves to be weighed down by the past, others are swept up in anxiety about the future, and others are driven by the urgent need to live in the moment, as if there were no tomorrow.

In the realm of eroticism and sexuality, these ways of viewing reality often shape how we approach sex and pleasure itself.

When Masters and Johnson—pioneers in the scientific study of sexuality—decided in the 1960s to label sexual interactions occurring prior to penetration as “foreplay,” they established the concept of a sequential sexual response: one that begins with a specific action and concludes with “resolution” following the orgasm, clearly implying a timeline of “before”, “during”, and “after”.

Yet, unlike a race with a defined finish line, the goal of sexual interaction is not to reach a destination faster or cover more ground, but rather to run for the sheer pleasure of it. After all, as the saying goes, those who run for the love of it do not tire.

Thus, despite the valuable lesson about savoring the present moment, the timeline of pleasure is far more dynamic than it is linear.

In erotic exploration, not everything has to have a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Based on my study and experience, I’ve also coined a key phrase on this subject: “Eroticism is everything that happens before, during, and after sex.” I champion this idea because I know many people still view the sexual act as a linear sequence: without “this” first, there is no “that” later—and if you don’t reach the finish line, it’s not even worth it.

But sexual interaction—and Eroticism, above all—goes far beyond that rigid framework. Just as what we call “foreplay” can happen at any point in the relationship (seduction, massages, oral sex, etc.), an orgasm might be merely the beginning—or there might be no orgasm or clear conclusion at all—and the experience can still be extraordinary.

Pleasure isn’t defined by time metrics.

It’s not about the seconds or the minutes, nor how often you do it—or don’t. “What matters is the desire”, as the famous Portuguese singer António Variações once wrote in one of his most inspired songs.

The desire to want, to act, to enjoy, and—above all—the desire to respect the past, the present and the future of the person who wants us and whom we want.

And that desire only stays alive today if it is nurtured every single day... as if there were no tomorrow. 🔥

Curious to know more? Book an Erotic Coaching session.